The leprechauns came last night. The girls were delighted. Abe, my mom and I all got pinched twice by leprechauns because none of us wore green. The girls went wide-eyed each time one of us yelped (my mom yelped over the phone) that a leprechaun had pinched us. Before dinner I sent the girls out to hunt for four leaf clovers and leprechauns while I pumped. It was a nice break for everyone.
We picked up Lydia’s harp today. Abe and I felt so peaceful and good through the whole experience. It helped that the harp store is in David O. McKay’s old house, which, by the way, is my dream house. I love bungalows because they remind me so much of my grandma’s house–so safe and familiar.
I also went to my first Power of Moms meeting. Ashely, a friend from Qualtrics, hosted. Ashley is so spiritual that she literally glows, and I was happy to learn from her goodness and hear what insights other moms had into parenting with patience. While listening to what felt like an echo chamber of moms talking about the guilt they felt about parenting “fails,” I had an epiphany.
The idea that I should parent from a place of compassion and empathy 100% of the time is an unrealistic expectation hoisted on me by white Mormon culture. There is no doctrine to back up this false notion. True doctrine is that my children are resilient enough to withstand my basic humanity. We can do a dance of transgression and forgiveness (theirs and mine, mine and theirs) all day long and become refined through that. Having the understanding that we will dance that duo every day will help me have more compassion on myself and more faith in the atonement.
The guilt and shame I feel for “sub-par”parenting is the result of living under the strain of widespread cultural illusion. I feel so liberated. My guilt feels swept away. I hope I can stay in this place of enlightenment the next time I find myself subjecting my kids to an unpretty side of my humanity.